Living with Molly: Here We Go Again!

🎵 Bittersweet Symphony – the Verve (https://youtu.be/1lyu1KKwC74?si=aqbK77eEDbovmge7)

Because feeling completely fine while everything is about to change massively, is very bittersweet (or sweet then bitter?!)

This time next week I’ll be in hospital getting ready for surgery – in fact I might even be in the middle of it 🫣it’s all starting to feel very real now.

What’s strange though, and something I’ve been talking to people about recently, is that at the moment I feel completely fine.

I’m not “putting a brave face on” fine, I’m genuinely fine. I feel well, I look well (as in healthy looking!) and I’m still doing normal things, having normal conversations, having my normal copious amounts of coffee, and wine – normal everything really. Well… as normal as I ever am anyway, and let’s be honest, normal is massively overrated 😂

But that’s the weirdness of this whole thing.

I keep getting messages saying “Sorry to hear you’re unwell.” and I completely understand why people say it, but I don’t actually feel unwell at all 😩

At the moment, apart from the fact there’s a bar-steward 4cm tumour sat there quietly minding its own sinister little business, I feel ok.

The madness is that next week is when I’ll actually start to look and feel unwell, first because of surgery and then because of whatever treatment comes afterwards. It is such a weird thing for my brain, and others, to process, feeling well now but knowing what’s coming next will make me feel anything but.

So my head’s a funny mix at the moment. Calm one minute, emotional the next – bit of a rollercoaster ride going on in there if I’m honest.

I had a few tears yesterday at a works do (which incidentally was a great do!) because it suddenly felt very close. Not dramatic crying lol, just quiet little teary moments where reality hit and reminded me this is all actually happening.

The weirdness of “I feel great now, but I probably won’t soon.” hitting me smack bang in the face. That’s the bit I think my brain is still trying to process.

Sadly I also know all too well what happens if cancer isn’t treated. I’ve seen it with both my parents and my in-laws, and I know the treatment is the thing that gives you the chance to get your life back.

So for now, this week is about appreciating normality – normal mornings, normal conversations and normal life. Sometimes you don’t realise how lovely ordinary life is until you know it’s about to disappear for a while.

Confused head and soul this week, but underneath it all, still grateful, still hopeful and still very much looking forward to getting this bar-steward tumour gone.

Sam x