Living with Molly: Here We Go Again!

🎵 Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran (https://youtu.be/lp-EO5I60KA?si=nJmi5-1aXeSNf14N)

Well I meant to blog earlier today but felt a bit knackered so now this is gonna be 2 blog posts rolled into one!

A lot of this weekend has been me deliberately keeping myself busy ahead of tomorrow’s appointment. Not in an ultra mad way, just me trying to fill the days with people, conversations and things to do so there wasn’t too much room left for my brain to wander off into places it didn’t need to go.

Saturday night was lovely as I spent the evening with friends, laughing, catching up and feeling more like myself than I have in weeks which was exactly what I needed. Apart from the small issue before it, which was me trying to find a top that didn’t highlight my mismatched boobs, for a good few hours there was no cancer, no surgery, no drains, no physio exercises and no pathology results hanging over me. There was just food, music, laughter and a reminder that life carries on.

Today was another attempt at feeling that way today too, so the morning was spent with family and this afternoon I did something I hadn’t done for over a month – I went to my local. It doesn’t sound that big a deal and it wouldn’t be normally but I’ve not been there for so long, partly due to my surgery and recovery, and partly because I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to go back there although I cant really explain why. This afternoon though, the sun was shining, I needed to keep busy and so I walked down on my own to meet everyone there, and it felt like the right time.

I’m glad I did, nobody tiptoed around me or mollycoddled me and I didn’t get seventeen versions of “How are you?” Or sympathy! Thank god! Everyone was just normal, and it was exactly what I needed.

The Overthinking

Unfortunately, there was one small problem with walking there on my own – it gave my brain a gap to think. I knew that the moment my brain got a gap, it would go straight into overthinking mode which was why I was trying to keep busy.

Somewhere between leaving the house and arriving at the pub, I became convinced that tomorrow’s appointment must be bad news because it’s late afternoon at 3.15pm.

My logic (bear with me!) is that if they were going to tell me everything was ok then surely they’d do that first thing in the morning as why would they leave it until 3.15pm? Obviously that means they’ve saved me until the end of the day to deliver devastating news as they don’t want to start the day like that.

The sensible part of me knows that’s not necessarily true. Hospitals don’t schedule appointments based on how cheerful the news might be, but the day before pathology results isn’t exactly the time when sensible thoughts are winning.

So here I am, thinking out loud, trying not to worry too much, trying not to Google anything, and trying not to analyse appointment times like some kind of amateur detective (I’d make a great amateur detective though by the way-we agreed that last night over something else, before all this overthinking began!).

I know that whatever happens tomorrow, I’ll deal with it, just like I have every step of the way so far.

For the rest of tonight I’m going to try to focus on the things that mattered this weekend: friends, family, laughter, sunshine, normality, and the fact that for a little while, I felt like me again. I’m going to try for an early night. Tomorrow can look after itself.

Sam x

PS how fab is this bracelet from my stalker/ it’s in Morse code! And my peace lily – both things received today and I love them ❤️ Fuck cancer indeed!!