Living with Molly: Here We Go Again!

🎵 Stop Crying Your Heart Out – Oasis (https://youtu.be/dhZUsNJ-LQU?si=Q5Nig3Pnc78m4EjB)

Sometimes it isn’t the big things that break you. It’s the tiny things that happen after weeks of holding everything else together.

I thought I’d better check in today because although there’s no real update, there’s been a meltdown! (Try saying that into Taggart speak – ‘there’s been a murder!’

I’m in limbo again, waiting for the next step and for the results of the Oncotype test to come back from San Francisco- it’s looking like 4 weeks now rather than 3. Until those arrive, we don’t know what happens next, so life’s been left hanging in that strange place between “carry on as normal” and “everything might change.”

I decided that I wouldn’t put my life on hold while we wait, so we’ve been looking at family holidays, making plans, arranging catch-ups with friends and trying to get back to something that resembles normal life because, as I used to say in my original Molly blog, life is for living.

Then this week happened – who knew a heatwave could completely finish me off? I’ve cancelled loads and hidden away crying in frustration.

I’ve always loved the sunshine, having lots of sunny mini-breaks whenever I can, but when it’s over 30 degrees here it seems I can’t cope! I see everyone wandering around in little summer tops and lovely sundresses, and I’m stood in front of the wardrobe wondering what I can wear that would keep me cool, whilst hiding the odd-sized boobs, and doesn’t rub against my scars that are not even five weeks old, and then that leads to whether I can actually face leaving the house.

Turns out this week, I couldn’t.

I’ve cancelled plans, stayed home, had a proper wobble and been a hot, sweaty, tearful and emotional wreck.

I’m still not driving, I still can’t lift anything remotely heavy and I’m still getting used to this new body and what does/doesn’t fit/look/feel right. So thirty-odd degrees with no air conditioning, very few summer clothes that feel right anymore and my next steps sitting somewhere between Manchester and San Francisco, I suppose it’s not surprising that I reached my melting point.

It’s funny really because the surgery was the big hurdle for me to get through, and I’m grateful that I have recovered quickly and well from that, but this bit is more unexpected. I thought I’d be straight back in work, albeit waiting for treatment, but I feel like I can’t move forward yet and feel so wobbly. Not sleeping well at night also doesn’t help (and I know I’m not on my own with that!).

I’ll probably be ok again tomorrow. That’s the thing with meltdowns, they don’t mean you’re falling apart, they just mean you’ve been holding it together for a while and sometimes things then have to give. Sometimes it’s about your head catching up with everything that’s happened too.

I’m hoping the next time I write there’ll actually be something to tell you. Until then, I’m going to keep making plans, keep looking at holidays, keep saying yes when I can and, on the days when it all gets a bit much, I’ll keep giving myself permission to stay home, and remember that recovering isn’t just about scars healing. I’m also gonna keep looking online for new clothes that will give me more confidence (sorry husband 😉).

Sam x

P.S. Following on from my last post about my dodgy genes – as you know it turns out I haven’t just inherited one faulty BRCA gene, I’ve inherited both BRCA1 and BRCA2. The medical term is double heterozygous, which sounds like a long lesson in GCSE Biology (which I was never great at!) but basically means carrying a harmful mutation in both genes rather than one.

Google tells me it’s exceptionally rare, in fact it’s so uncommon that many of the published medical papers are based on individual patients or tiny groups because there isn’t that many people with both mutations. Apparently most genetics clinics will only ever see a handful of patients, if any, with this combination – trust me to me a medical rarity 🫣

I’m still waiting for my genetics appointment to understand exactly what it means for me and, more importantly, for my family, so I’ll explain it all properly once I’ve got the facts.

One final thing – If was going to be one in a million, I’d rather it had been for winning the lottery than this but hey ho!

Stay cool everyone 😎🥵