Living with Molly: Here We Go Again!

🎵 Ariana Grande – No More Tears Left to Cry (https://youtu.be/fFuQfcAbCIA?si=_1cYjrDREJ36Pgpz)

This week it’s all become a bit too much – this one’s a long post so grab a brew or a wine again!

The Christie appointments have properly begun and, although I’ve done this all before, it’s feels different this time around. Maybe it’s because I’m older and more aware of everything (last time I was 36 with an 8 year old and a 4 year old and not much time for reflection!).

The first appointment this week was at Maggie’s Centre. If you’ve never heard of it, it’s a really beautiful place that supports people living with cancer and their families. It’s got free tea and coffee, biscuits, fruit and cake, a relaxed feel, and even a lovely vegetable patch at the back! And most importantly it’s a place you can go to get some headspace or meet others going through similar journeys.

We spent the morning talking through what to expect over the coming months – the treatment process, possible side effects, how to keep as healthy as possible and the support that’s available if, or when, we need it. They showed us videos of people they’d helped and it tipped me right over 😭

It wasn’t sad, feeling sorry for myself crying, it was those tears that start and you can’t stop them even though you’re realty really trying to hold everything together and then somebody shows you kindness or hugs you. It’s like your brain says, “Right… you’re safe now,” and the tears you’ve been keeping under lock and key decide break free and don’t want to stop. I was actually thinking what a nice place it was, how lucky we all were to have access to the support they offer, and how sad it was that so many of us have to go through this but then how selfless all the volunteers were. My nose ran, my eyes leaked and went puffy and red – it was not a good look!

I probably didn’t help myself after having had two nights of poor sleep. Lack of sleep and emotions are never a winning combination for me!

Strangely, the oncology nurse that came to speak to us there afterwards was the spitting image of my sister – I kept looking at her features as I half listened to the details of the chemo effects and thankfully the thought that my sister had a doppelgänger stopped further tears 🙂

In the afternoon, I finally met my oncologist consultant. More explanations, more detail and more consent forms to sign, acknowledging all the possible side effects and agreeing to chemo, and then yes… more tears started falling.

it wasn’t the list of all the shitty side effects that got me as I’ve been there before and I know chemotherapy isn’t exactly a walk in the park. It was when she started talking about working.

She explained that everyone reacts differently. Some people are able to work throughout treatment. Others are simply too exhausted and that set me off again.

Part of me desperately wants to be one of those people who can carry on and keep working. To keep supporting my Academy family and.to keep life feeling as normal as possible.

But another part of me remembers last time. What if I can’t?

Even if I feel physically OK, will I be emotionally OK? My job isn’t one where you just tick boxes & switch off. It’s built on people, relationships, energy and genuinely caring. I don’t want to do it half-heartedly because the people I work with deserve so much more than that. Cue the overthinking and tears.

Thankfully, I’ve got my own advice to fall back on – Poc a Poc – one day at a time, one appointment at a time, one treatment at a time.

By the time I got home though, I was emotionally wrung out and slept for hours 😴😴😴

Then today it was back to The Christie again, this time for an ECG. It’s essentially a heart health check to give them a baseline before treatment starts, as they’ll keep a close eye on it throughout chemotherapy.

That all went ok, although I cried again on the way out – for no reason whatsoever! I came home, went out to the gym, felt dizzy and pathetic and came home and slept for another two hours. This is before the blooming chemo has even started – emotional exhaustion is very much a thing and it looks like it’s trying to prepare me for when I do actually feel shitty and tired with the chemo!

Anyway, I’m off to bed again.

I do have some hair news but that deserves a post all of its own tomorrow.

Sam x