Living with Molly: Here We Go Again!

🎵Ed Sheeran – Thinking Out Loud (https://youtu.be/lp-EO5I60KA?si=wgU2o1AmynGoEfQf)

I’m writing this from my bed crying but this is not a woe is me post i promise! I’m just a bit sad today, and pissed off, but I’m also grateful – I’m sure I can be all three at once🤔

It’s Bank Holiday weekend and, more importantly, it marks 32 years of me and the other half. 32 years! Normally this weekend would involve us doing something fun together, probably heading into Manchester Pride at some point, having a few drinks and generally making the most of the long weekend.

Thankfully we did manage a lovely meal out last night. I got dressed, put my face on, went out and had a proper lovely evening. Then we came home, put our PJs on and then my flipping chemo shutters came down and I was absolutely shattered. Off to bed I went before midnight which is unheard of on our usual Saturday nights out!

Now it’s Sunday and here I am again today, back in bed, still shattered, head hurting, stomach doing somersaults and generally feeling crap.

I should actually have been in Cardiff this weekend for a wedding, but the logistics of chemo, bloods, injections and everything else that currently dictates my diary kyboshed that plan. But, positive flip, I got to watch the wedding live online and it was lovely. I wasn’t there, but still got to see it happen.

I think the bit I struggle with most on days like this isn’t even feeling poorly, as i know chemo will have that effect, but it’s feeling like I’m letting everyone else down. Sleeping when we should be doing things. Going to bed early. Plans being changed or cancelled because of me. Watching the people I love having to accommodate this stupid thing yet again.

I know, rationally, that my family don’t see it like that. They are amazing and they don’t make me feel guilty, I know that’s coming entirely from me.

Last night something else got to me, a friend shared a photograph of my son from infant school and I realised it was taken around 18 years ago which was the last time I was doing this.

There was my gorgeous little boy, cute and innocent, with absolutely no idea what was going on in the grown-up world around him – I remembered how much he and his big sister gave me a huge reason to fight. I look at that photograph now and genuinely cannot quite believe we got through everything back then, but we did.

That little boy is now a grown man who will quite likely be helping me shave my hair off sometime vety soon, because it’s started coming out now FFS. 🤦‍♀️. We knew it would happen, but that’s big news I wanted to share!

That’s the bit that’s making me cry today. Not because my hairs now coming out, or cos I’m feeling poorly or I think that I can’t do this – I know I can. I just really, really don’t want to have to do it again and I just wanted a lovely Bank Holiday weekend feeling well, and I think I’m allowed to say that.

Being positive doesn’t have to mean pretending this is all fine. Gratitude doesn’t cancel out sadness and sadness doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being grateful, because amongst all the crap, there is still so much good.

I’ve had 18 years since that photograph was taken. I’ve watched my children grow up to be brilliant adults. I’ve had 32 years with the man currently putting up with me disappearing to bed at ridiculous times. I’ve got an amazing family and friends around me. I went out for a lovely meal last night. I watched a wedding I couldn’t attend from my bed. I’m still getting to the gym when my body lets me, still laughing, still making plans and still very much living my life, even if some days the living has to happen from underneath a duvet.

Also other big news – I’ve gone off coffee. I KNOW!!! Possibly the most shocking chemo side effect yet.

Given the amount I used to drink, I’m choosing to regard that one as a new health benefit, making me cut down on the caffeine. Vimto is my new go to drink.

So yes, today I’m sad and pissed off that cancer and chemo has temporarily taken control of my weekend plans but I’m also happy and reflective that chemo is also helping me more in the long term to make more future memories. Also as my son just said, ‘it’s that or you just get cancer and die’ – i mean fair play!

I’ll have my little cry and stay in bed while my body tells me it needs to, I’ll drink my Vimto (it’s just as good hot as it is cold for all pty people that have not yet become Vimto fans) and then I’ll get back up again and carry on.

Please enjoy the bank holiday weekend and do fun things and make sure you share lots of photos!

Sam x