Living with Molly: Here We Go Again!

🎵 Could it be Magic – Take Thst (https://youtu.be/SVBIfSt0lAo?si=ePzjGifRwJEAHYST)

Hello! Remember me?

A few lovely people have reached out over the last few days to check that I’m okay, mainly because I’ve been unusually quiet. No blog updates, not many messages and generally not much sign of life from yours truly, so I thought I’d best pop up and reassure everyone that I’m still here. Not dead yet!

Probably not the most appropriate thing to joke about when you’ve got cancer, but if you’ve been following Living with Molly for a while, you’ll know that inappropriate humour is pretty much the thing that gets me through. .

The truth is, this latest round of chemo has absolutely knocked me for six. I kept thinking this week would be the week I’d start feeling more like myself, but apparently it has other ideas. I might have a good morning, start thinking I’m finally coming out the other side, and then by lunchtime I’m absolutely exhausted. Or I’ll have a rubbish morning, perk up in the afternoon and convince myself tomorrow will be brilliant, only to wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus again (i’ve not actually ever been hit by a bus but I imagine it hurts more!)

One minute I can walk upstairs easily, and two hours later going up the same stairs feel like I’m climbing Snowdon. .

I also feel like I’m fighting off a cold, which isn’t helping.. My body has enough on its plate without having to deal with the common cold as well, thank you very much.

And there’s more.. my arms and hands are still red and dry, so I’ve not got a glamorous evening routine involving special moisturising stuff in the bath, followed by more moisturiser when I get out of the bath and then get into my pjs and into bed, trying not to slide straight out of the other side like a giant slimy slug!

I’ve also been getting the occasional small nosebleed. Nothing major, just the odd times when I look in the mirror and realise I’ve got blood trickling down my nose, which then makes me think of Eleven from Stranger Things.

If you’ve watched it, you’ll know that Eleven’s nose starts bleeding whenever she’s using her extraordinary powers or concentrating really hard (she also rocks a shaved head!).

Sadly, I don’t think that’s what’s happening to me because my chemo brain has reached the point where I can barely string a coherent sentence together, never mind magically move objects with my mind. If I do suddenly develop the ability to empty the dishwasher without getting out of bed though, I’ll let you know.

And finally, just to keep things interesting, I occasionally lose some feeling in my fingertips, toes and even my tongue. It comes and goes, just like my energy levels, and adds another layer of nuisance to the whole chemo experience.

It’s all a lot to deal with but I promise i’m okay. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. because it isn’t. The first nine weeks of chemo were challenging in their own way, but this new regime is a different beast altogether. It’s hit me harder than I expected, both physically and mentally, and some days simply getting through the day without crying feels like an achievement.

I’m learning that just like life and careers, recovery isn’t a straight line, it’s squiggly. Feeling better for a few hours doesn’t mean I’m fully better, and having a rubbish afternoon doesn’t mean tomorrow will be the same.

It’s frustrating, especially when my brain has a list of things it wants to do and my body has decided it needs rest, but I’m getting there slowly (like that giant slug!)

I’ve got another week and a half before my next round, so hopefully there are a few more good days between now and then, and in the meantime, if I’m quiet, please don’t worry. I’m probably asleep, moisturising, staring at the stairs wondering whether they’re worth the effort, or checking the mirror to see if I’ve developed superpowers.

Thank you to everyone who’s checked in. I really do appreciate it, even when I’m not always good at replying

Last but not least – I’m back on liking coffee again so this mug bought for me by my sister has been making me smile when i have my brew (i know coffee is technically not a brew!) – I’ve always said if you can’t see the sunshine, be the sunshine – it’s hard right now but before you know it, I!ll be back shining again!

Sam (your little ray of feckin sunshine!☀️) x